Apples and oranges

Eleven years ago, I came home after spending time with a new friend, groaning to my husband that I was not sure this lady and I would be deep friends.  That night my wise man said something that has shifted me for a lifetime.

Not every friend will be the same.  Each of your friends will have a different purpose. Some will be laughing friends, some will be shopping friends, some will be deep friends, and some will be all-around friends.  But you can't expect the same out of each friendship.

This may come intuitively to most of you. But to me, it was such an insight.  I love and crave depth in relationships; small talk is barely tolerable so that we can get to the good stuff.  To go back to the beginning of making friends is like going back to learning to walk after breaking both legs.  You know the goodness, the ease, the richness of using your own legs.  But they don't work the same, and it is depressing.  

Eleven years later, this woman is one of my dearest friends.  Because I let go of expectation and let that friendship be what it was, let it develop into whatever it could be, it deepened and strengthened in ways I never imagined.  Shelly and I are very different women, with different beliefs and interests and personalities.  But we are joined in ways that celebrate these differences.

Shelly showed me how to parent. She had one boy already when we became friends, and another within a couple years.  She was so relaxed and yet attentive, playful and loving yet gave them space to grow.  She and her hubs let us watch their kids over a weekend when the second was only three months old.  Who does that?  She may have been desperate for some sleep, but still?????  She is amazing.  She has showed me over the years how to be faithful to God when working in difficult environments. Shelly is the nurse they call when families need support because of stillbirths or miscarriages or conflict. Her presence of mind and spirit are calming.

Shelly and I met in Illinois.  Our families shared card nights, movies, RibFest at the 4th of July, prayer and small groups, and life in general.  She and her family moved to Texas within weeks of us moving to Ohio, and neither of us knew that we would end up together again in one year in that small town of Abilene.  We shared another five years of life together there.  

We connected over lost babies.  We connected over new babies.  Our baby girls were born a few months apart, and we were present at each others' deliveries (Shelly was infinitely more knowledgable and helpful as my nurse than I to her!).  

This past fall this same sweet friend texted me from South America while her husband was teaching abroad. She shared some symptoms that a few days later were confirmed as ovarian cancer.  A few weeks prior her father-in-law passed away from cancer, and while grieving this loss they now had to navigate foreign hospitals, three nervous children, and a major diagnosis all while attempting to figure out how in the world to get back to Texas.  

Fear spread through me. This same woman, that I at one point did not know if we would be good friends, I am now terrified that I will lose.  This same woman and I have shared fears and joys and mundaneness that make up life, and a depth of friendship I treasure.  She is a warrior, one who has battled cancer head on (hair off) without missing a beat.  Even when she feels terrible, she still parents and directs her kids from her chair.  People have risen up and taken care of them amazingly, and prayers have gone up on their behalf all over the world.  You know why?  Because she is a phenomenal woman who in the middle of her treatments, asked others how she could pray for them.  This is who she is, figuring out faith over fear every day of these last several months.

Shelly's doctors say that the cancer is visibly gone now.  She has three more rounds of awful life-saving chemo to go through, and then she plans to have a major celebration.  I plan to join her, dancing and singing and praising as she learns how to live as a cancer survivor.  

Life is unpredictable.  I am so glad that my husband spoke wisdom over me and this friendship has been cultivated over the last decade.  Our lives would look so different without this family who has impacted us so much.  Iron sharpens iron, and we continue to lift each other up when we need.  Warrior on, Shelly.  

And if you have a new friend who you are not sure about, check your expectations.  You  never know what can develop when you let things grow without trying to make an apple tree into an orange.

Cleaning, Murky Dismal and a happy gray

If you are a child of the 80s, you might recall a character by the name of Rainbow Brite.  She is a happy and delightful girl who has seven color kids and many sprites who help her color the world each day.  Murky Dismal is her nemesis, who loves gray and constantly attempts to destroy Rainbow's efforts for happiness and joy.

Lately, I have seen many memes that say things like Good moms have sticky floors, dirty ovens and happy kids! While I have many friends who like and post these memes, I find myself wondering, are there other moms like me????  Are there others who think that this is slightly all or nothing thinking, and maybe my kids are not depressed or anxious because we happen to have a regularly cleaned home?

I have no problem with other people's messes.  If you read this and think, I will never have her to my house, then you are missing the point.  We often have a mess in our house, laundry piles, and yes, sticky floors.  But here is my issue with this thinking.  What do mothers think when they read this?  What if you are organized and more cleaning-oriented like myself, does this mean that my kids are not happy?

I just think the issue is gray.  Call me Murky, because we are all different and there are so many ways for homes to function.  I am a mother who works part-time from my house.  My children make messes like everyone else's, and there are days when those messes do not get cleared up.  But I am a person who is impacted greatly by my environment, and when things are continually messy and chaotic I feel moody and increasingly frustrated.  It has gotten better over time as my children (and husband!) have forced increased tolerance.  Which is good, as my children do not need to be subjected to my neurosis and never feel as though they can get messy.

But they also need to be taught responsibility for their possessions.  Our household statement with mess is "it is great to make a mess as long as you help clean it up."  They need to realize that they are not the only people who live in our home. They have time where they are responsible for themselves through the day, or they assist me in cleaning and other household chores.  I don't think that they are distressed by this, but they enjoy joining in adult activities as we share time together.

There has been a great deal of emphasis on social media lately about making sure we moms are all in this together, and picture posts of dishes all over the sink, laundry piles that reach mountain status, and PBJ dinners.  I value this so much, and yet I wonder if there are women out there like me who wonder, Am I NOT a good mom because I do clean my house, meal plan, and have less tolerance for ongoing mess?  Am I scarring my kids because we stayed home today and cleaned our house rather than doing something fun or playing games all afternoon?  Maybe if we did that EVERY day.

My kids are happy, messy and wonderful.  I also have kids old enough to create and clean a mess, kids who do not have special needs, I have a part-time job, and I am sure many other differences between other houses and ours.  Each home is unique, and what I want to say clearly is that even without sticky floors and dirty ovens and ever-present laundry piles, you are still a good mother and you likely really have happy kids.  Both are possible.  You can have a clean oven and floors and the laundry mostly done and have happy kids.  You can be a mess lover (I would LOVE  to be like this sometimes) and do art all over your house and clean up the dishes at the end of every couple days and have happy kids.  You can be somewhere in between and have happy kids.


Maybe something like this is more accurate and encompasses all of us who love our children dearly and are more than good enough mothers.  What I like about this is no one's happiness is dependent on it.  And who knows what this means in each house?  It's flexible, and that is something we practice developing in our house alot.

Hopefully I did not just ruin your happiness and joy.  Because this gray is really happy for me.